wow. here it is. this post is number 300.

i have had this blog now for almost a year and a half… i started it just before i left toronto, coming to panama, into the unknown. honestly, i don’t think i had ever been on a blog before and certainly didn’t know how to write one. i just sort of figured it out on those endless days in the heat in my tiny apartment, the smell of burnt coffee hanging in the air. i didn’t think that i would even tell anyone about it at first, i just thought i wanted it to use as a kind of therapy, to help me move through the various stages of shock, grief, joy, and general what have you.

i did end up telling a few of my peeps about it, and they very graciously read it, commented on it and lived it with me vicariously through the world wide web.

so much has happened since then. it is hard to fathom.

i have been here now for 16 months, and although it was hard going at first, my life now is amazing. things had been so bad when i left, that the timing of my departure was largely based on a need to go as i wasn’t sure i would make it if i stayed. i knew intellectually that i should wait, save some money, put all of my affairs in order. have a party. say goodbye. but i didn’t do any of those things, except for a couple of small gatherings with some close peeps, so it was all a bit of a shock. sort of. my insides knew i was going, the outsides took a while to catch up.

to be honest, I didn’t know why panama. it was a feeling more than a thought. every place has its own unique energy, and some places resonate with you, and some don’t. this one did.

there are a lot of reasons people leave their home countries. some people are running away (i prolly had a little of this at the end, but i really wanted to do it gracefully so it was more like a light jog), some people can’t cope in their own culture so they find one that is easier to handle. i saw this a lot when i was teaching in china. some people are running from the law (there is a terrible story about an american guy in panama swindling people with bad property deals then killing them, gods!). regardless, i am certainly not one to judge if those reasons are good or bad, but i would say that as long as they are YOUR reasons, then that is probably a good thing.

i found out for sure what the real reason was for me selling everything, quitting my 2 jobs and a practice i had worked very hard to build, an apartment that was the envy of everyone i knew and a nugget of amazing friends… his name is zach. i know it must sound cliche and ridiculous, but if you could feel it, or even observe it you wouldn’t think so. talk about resonance. wow. it turns out we had both been looking for each other. and things had gotten so bad at home that i would have been happy here with just having my life. but little did i know, accepting something so simple, allowed the door to open to the greatest thing i have ever known. i am so thankful. grateful. honored. blessed.

buddha bless me. (it seems he already did.)