well, here it is. 1 year ago today, i arrived, exhausted, emotionally wrecked, at tocumen airport to start my new life. i wasn’t sure where i was going, what i was going to do, or how it was going to go, but I ripped myself from the life i had created in toronto and flung myself into the unknown. i remember how i felt when the plane lifted off the ground in toronto, and it was relief. a huge, overwhelming relief, like a tsunami washing over me. there was nothing else to do. it was done. i was done.

i wish i could say that i had left my home country in a wonderful state, and that it was all jubilation with parties and friends, but my departure came after what i would refer to as a complete life collapse, where everything fell apart, and no matter how much i tried to pick up the pieces, there were just too many.

toronto had never really felt like home to me. nowhere i had ever lived felt like home. i had always wondered why that was. i had really only ever lived in 2 cities that i can remember, and neither of them felt like a place i belonged. after years of feeling this way i started to think that perhaps this was something internal, something in me rather than me reacting to my external environment. that i had been programmed to always feel like i wanted to be somewhere else, or that the place i was supposed to be was always where i wasn’t. well, i now have had the pleasure of experiencing what “home” feels like. wow. what a good feeling it is.

when i first got here, it definitely didn’t feel like home. it was like being dropped onto another planet, only slightly similar to the one you left. everything looks different. everything smells different. and everything is loud. i really loved living in penonome. i loved my little apartment, and it was really fun to start fresh and furnish it, even though i had to carry most of those furnishings home from the store myself. i made it really cute, and i liked being there. i didn’t realize how lonely i was until alex came over one day with the tiniest kitten i think i had ever seen, and then it was all over. pepe was mine and there was nothing that he (or i) could do about it. i loved having him around, he was a constant source of entertainment, and very good company. we developed a routine, and even though most of the neighbours in my row didn’t know who i was, they all knew pepe. he was the thing that really brought everyone together. i tiny united nations with fur. my next door neighbours were really sweet and loved pepe. he would sneak over there almost daily and they would spoil him, feed him and pick him up and cuddle with him. it was really cute. they loved him so much.

i managed to score a job, waitressing at a bar on the beach owned by a couple of canadians, but it wouldn’t start until the high season at the end of november. i decided that i would allow myself to take a break and recover from the madness that had preceded my departure. i felt like a husk. empty. exhausted. emotionally numb. so, for the first time in my life, i let meself relax. i didn’t work. this felt strange at first, but after a little while, it was kind of awesome. i allowed myself to stay up until 4am and sleep until 11. i wrote in my blog. i cooked. i cleaned. i hung out with my tiny kitten. i read. i lay in the hammock and stared at the sky. for hours sometimes. it was glorious. a few weeks before my job was to begin, i found a motorcycle, and with a lot of help from alex, bought it and managed, without killing myself or anyone else, drove it from the city back to penonome. the only experience i had driving a motorcycle was 2 days in a parking lot at a safety course, 6 years before. i don’t think i have ever been so scared in my life. i have enormous gratitude for all the people who posted instructional videos on youtbe, because that is, literally how i learned to drive a motorcycle. when i look back at it now i must have been insane, but it felt so good to pull into the driveway in one piece. i felt like a superhero! having a motorcycle had been a dream ever since i can remember and it felt so good to finally do it. it was the best feeling in the world.

then, about a week before i was to start working, my job fell through. nobody’s fault, just a crackdown on people working without papers, so it was a no go. i was calm and totally freaked out. i wasn’t sure what i was going to do. i began to hustle and try to find some work. after living in penonome for almost 7 months i started meeting some english speakers. i hadn’t realized how lonely i had been, and speaking in english felt wonderful! i had gotten used to being the “alien” in penonome, a tall blond in a town of small dark skinned people and feeling like i couldn’t communicate anything unless i acted it out in a retarded way, but being around people from your culture, who speak your language, who get it, was NICE. gods, was it ever. i met the lovely teresa who very kindly took me to a party and introduced me to everyone. i remember that night so well. it was wonderful. i spoke in english. people understood me. and i met a boy. an amazing boy. we clicked instantly. we had so much in common. he had been here for years, and he still loved it. we had a great conversation and i thought, my gods, this isn’t just someone who speaks english or is from my culture… this person in KIN.

we fell madly in love and now live together and have an amazing life. everything is perfect. i am so happy. he is happy too. my mother as well, lives up here in the mountains, in this tiny town and is happier than i have ever seen her. she has a dog. (a dog!!!) and spoils him rotten. she rides a bike. (a bike!!!) i had tried at home to get her to ride a bike for years and she never would. and if i had ever suggested that she get a dog she would have rolled her eyes at me. she has friends. no, let me rephrase. she has a roaring social life. its amazing.

so, when i think back to what it was that i was hoping for when i came to panama, i think it was hope. my life in toronto had really stripped me down. things were a struggle, and i constantly felt like i was fighting against everything. i wanted to believe that all the nonsense that i had been told as a child that i could do anything i wanted in life and should always go after my dreams, were things that could actually happen. i have been lucky enough to grow up in a culture where i had CHOICE. something most people inhabiting the planet do not have. and although i know that this thinking breeds lazy and spoiled human beings (sometimes), i have always tried to be thankful for everything i had and never to take things for granted. so, i did it. and i thought that the only way i could possibly have all of my dreams come true and have amazing things happen in my life was to follow my heart. it really seemed like the only way. it also seemed like relationship suicide, and i spent many months in penonome reckoning and making my peace with that. its funny, as soon as i had, as soon as i had accepted that i might never meet someone and be alone forever with my tiny cat that i met the best person that i could have imagined. i am so glad that he exists and that i found him in panama.

so it is now, a year later, that i have no doubt that i made the right decision, and that panama is absolutely where i am supposed to be. i am finally HOME.